I can’t “be ok” today. It’s not happening. Grief is bubbling out of me like a fountain today and I cannot fight it. It needs to flow. The reality that both my parents are gone is just overwhelming me. The reality and the pain. The heartbreak. It sucks. My dad died on April 12. I have a copy of his death certificate. I want to shred it into a million pieces and light it on fire. I have my moms, too. I have to have them, because we have to get estate matters settled and there are important grownupish things to do with them.
But it’s proof that my parents are not alive anymore and it hurts and I am so sad. Sometimes I am doing ok. Today- no. I had some errands to do and drove past where Dad lived for the past few years. That’s what started this. Sometimes, grief comes in the form of memories, leaking out of my eyes. Today, it’s like a freaking tsunami tidal wave and it’s making me gasp for air.
I’m trying so hard to keep *it* together, because I don’t know what else I’m supposed to try to do. But it’s hard, and days like today I’d like to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers. All summer, the kids were with me full time and we were really busy remodeling our kitchen, so it was busy, busy busy and no time to stop and think, or be with my grief. Or even with myself.
Summer vacation is over now, and the kids are at school. I have a lot more time alone with myself, and I’m not sure how this reality is going to be. Things happen and I want to tell my parents and I can’t. I want to ask their advice. Or just make them laugh. I can’t. I hate that. It’s a cruel trick for that millisecond when your mind almost lets you forget that your loved one is gone and you can speak with them.
I’m trying so very hard to be so thankful that I had 35 years with my mama, who I loved so much and who was the best mom she was able to be for me. And to be thankful that I had my dad, who raised me as his very own girl, even when I deserved anything BUT that, for almost all of my days on this earth…until a few months ago. I am thankful for those times, those years, and those memories. They’ve helped shape me, for sure, and I wouldn’t be anything had they not been my parents. I am thankful beyond words or emotion that my daddy is free from the Alzheimer’s that robbed him of his own memories, his mind, his memories, his voice..and eventually, his life. I’m thankful that he’s with my mom, and she’s finally free from the addiction to nicotine. I believe in my heart of hearts that they are again together, free of illness, and sailing, swimming and enjoying their golden years in paradise…
I really, truly am.
But I’m sad, and I’m hurting. My kids don’t have a single memory of my parents that doesn’t involve oxygen tanks or nursing homes. They won’t ever know how their grama’s voice got funny sounding when someone was taking her picture and she wasn’t pleased that she couldn’t stop it but would try anyway. They’ll not know how hard it was to raise their own mama, and how seeing me not screw up as much as an adult was probably a huge relief and cause for celebration for their grandparents. They won’t know what it’s like to spend four days of constant rain on Diamond Island playing eleventy million rounds of Pacheesi, or for their grama to knit them one of her famous sweaters.
It’s not fair. It’s just not. I should be ordering tickets to travel someplace with my parents AND my kids, not ordering urns to give my dad a final resting place.
I’m kind of thinking not much of this makes sense. And that’s ok with me. Grief doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Today, it’s too much for me to handle. Tomorrow might be better. But maybe someone else is feeling like something is wrong because they, too, aren’t feeling like they are ok today. I just wanted you to know that most of what you feel with grief is probably normal, and yes someone else is probably going through it.
And now I’m going to go cry for a little while longer, and find a way to pull myself together so I can be a functioning mama when my kids come off their school bus.
Nataile Brown says
I’m sincerely sorry for the pain you’re in. This is such a difficult situation and so sad. Thank-you for putting your thoughts into words and allowing us to pray for you and your family.
Brett says
Thank you, Natalie <3
Julie Wood says
I am praying for you and your parents sound amazing! I am so sorry for your loss, and know how you feel to lose a loved one! It is painful and the grief can come on at any moment. You are in my thoughts!
Daisy says
Hugs! If you need anyone to talk to, let me know. I feel heartbroken for you because I know the feeling of loss.
Laura J says
(((((( HUGS))))) Wish I had some magical words to help ease your pain….but there are none. 🙁 It is so hard to lose those we love.
Mami2jcn says
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know this is no consolation but both my parents are living and I have a very poor relationship with them. I haven’t seen my father in 12 years. My parents divorced when I was 6 and my father immediately started a new family and left me behind. My mother lives on another continent and, although we email, we have a strained relationship because of some bad things that happened to me as a child.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting, but at the same time, I think you were so fortunate to have loving parents. You will see them again one day, and I’m sure they’re watching over you now.
vickie couturier says
believe me when I say I know how you feel,,,my Dad passed 18yrs ago and i still miss him,he was only 62,,then the bottom litterly feel out of my world,,in May of 2011 my mom passed she was 83 it was very hard and some issues were left undone and not spoken about ,which she should have done,but didnt,,then 11 months after she died my little and only brother died of cancer at age 52,,he was the little prince,,my older sister and I adored him and he never had to do anything if we were around,,i was 5 yrs older and my sister was 7yrs older,,how could he die and leave us?? he never thought he was going to die,,he wouldnt discuss it or anything about it,,we kept him at home and i moved in the last week to help take care of him and so did my sister,i had to get grief councling,,still can go to the grave or any little thing will trigger the sobs and the sorrow,,i think that hole will be in my heart forever,,oh i am so blessed to have my husband and children and grandchildren and watch his grandchildren grow,but im selfish i want him back! we talked every day ,okay now im a mess,but know you arent alone,,im with you in spirit and prayer,,,and i am grateful for the time i had with my precious brother,,it just wasnt long enought
Freda says
My sincerest condolences, prayers and love. (((HUGS)))
Janel says
I’m so sorry your struggling today, Brett! I hate it when those triggers hit and totally take over your whole day. I’ve been there. It sucks. Wish I could give you a big ol’ hug today!!
Jillian Too says
I’m sorry you’re having such a tough day. I hope tomorrow is better.
Brett says
Thank you, Jillian. So far, today’s a better day.
Ellen Christian says
So sorry, Brett. If you need me let me know.
carla says
Brett,
I just stumbled upon your blog today. Even though I don’t know you and have never read your blog before today, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for putting such honest, raw feelings out there. It makes the rest of us feel a little more normal when we have days like these. My prayers go up for you.
Brett says
Thank you, Carla. I think we tend to always pretend to be ok- and we need to admit when we aren’t. Thanks for the kind note.